brainsnorkel.com

So I notice, today, that there are a whole bunch of search engine hits here on on BS for Star Wars spoilers. I took a look at some of the referrals and it seems to have something to do with ranking 2nd on Google for a particular search phrase.

This is all based on linkpimpin’ something I found funny on another site.

There’s no shame in being mistaken for a Star Wars fan site.

Ok, there’s shame. It’s not a revealed-secret-non-Platonic-love-of-robots kind of shame, but it’s up there.

So here is my attempt to give people who find themselves here looking for Star Wars EP3 enlightenment.

What follows is pure conjecture based on 5 minutes of research and 20 minutes of pure flow-of-unconsciousness conjecture. I have seen the Bantam Menace, but not the second movie that had something to do with clones and unrequited, poorly-acted, teenage lurve. I am familiar with the canon of George Lucas before he seperated from his editor. Namely, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi and a select few of the Ewok movies. Ewok movies… It’s a shame Endor didn’t cop it in the neck, really.

Come here glass of red wine. There’s typing to be done.

STAR WARS EPISODE III SPOILER AS TOLD TO BRAINSNORKEL.COM BY ELVES, YES ELVES, THAT SWEAR THEY HAVE COME FROM A FUTURE WHERE STAR WARS MOVIES ARE GOOD AGAIN

SCENE ONE

Anakin crash lands on an imperial battle cruiser inadvertantly slaughtering 20,000 battle droids and setting the empire back weeks in its evil plans. He flees to Padme.

SCENE TWO

Padme and Anakin snuggle and stare longingly into each others’ eyes.

In a brief experiment to reintroduce the magic of Jar Jar Binks from Episode 1 George Lucas cameos Spongebob Squarepants in the role of Padme’s wardrobe-droid. Other curious space-critters decorate the screen. An Ewok/Jar Jar Binks fusion lounge theremin reggae band erupts inappropriately as Annikin performs ritual Jedi loin-girding in preparation for a trip to Coruscant.

Padme’s gown flutters in the air conditioning as she watches Anakin sideswipe other spacecraft when he leaves the space dock. Destination: Coruscant.

SCENE THREE

Obi Wan Kenobi and Frank Oz team up to do lightsaber battle with battle droids, somewhere near Coruscant.

About 35 minutes into the ritual disemboweling of computer animated target dummies, the special effects and stunt coordinators get their act together and realise that lightsaber battles are better when they cut through stuff like butter, rather than the RotJ lightsabers-bouncing-off-furniture rubbish.

Annikin crash lands on Coruscant inadvertantly killing the remaining 20,000 battle droids.

Annikin, Obi Wan and Frank Oz find three very uncomfortable seats and talk in the stilted, pensive truisms of Jedi tradition. The Force is invoked. Chins are held. Beards are stroked. Brows are furrowed. Infinitives are split.

SCENE FOUR

Anakin crash lands on Padme, inadvertantly fathering Luke Skywalker.

SCENE FIVE

Anakin, Obi-Wan, Palpatine and Frank Oz go Jedi-on-Jedi in a tediously dizzying, epic, spiraling, space combat, martial arts, operatic, gangbusters, orgy of swordplay, droid-slaughterin’ and, inevitably futile, bridging to the original Star Wars movie.

SCENE SIX

Anakin experiences a nasty work-related accident and the cosmetic surgeon confuses him with a cape-fetish goth in the next aisle.

SCENE SEVEN

Anakin spends his years training his Jedi skills to wreak revenge on his butcher, realises the error of his ways, and joins up with the Imperial Storm Troopers for the pay and conditions, and their cool uniforms.

In selfless and visionary act, Darth (Anakin) Vader hunts down and captures Jar Jar Binks after a freak accident upon landing. He freezes him in carbonite and propels him into the nearest black hole.

What a happy ending. I wonder what happens to Luke.

* Updated title because Bloglines can’t display “C3PO <3 R2D2″