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This is a little post about something my flat-mates and I developed when I was in share accommodation.

The problem was that the great people I shared houses with (and myself) were such good friends we would politely ignore little problems we had. Every now and then someone would crack. Someone would break down and dump a laundry list of every problem they’ve seen in the last 3 months into a conversation and war would break out. This resulted in long periods of conflict, long periods of working on resolution, very hurt feelings, and embarrassment over how trivial the problems were that triggered it all.

Because we were great friends, we needed to find a way to live together without damaging something permanently. We came up with a simple pact. It’s a pact that I have used since to help the interaction of teams, and my family.

Have you ever been to a performance review and been surprised when a problem is presented to you from the past that could have been resolved at the time?

Have you ever been confronted by someone you live with about something you always do that’s been building up as an issue without your knowledge?

Have you ever fumed with anger for months about how the dirty dishes sit for hours when they should be washed right away after every meal?

Did you ever have grave concerns with a project document when you reviewed it and decided to keep quiet until the project retrospective so you didn’t rock the boat?

Problems that accumulate become further evidence that the person you have the problem with will never change. Problems that accumulate have already escalated into giant conflicts by the time you get around to mentioning them. Problems that accumulate are great to just throw in there when you’re angry about something else and feel you might be about to lose a debating point. Strangely enough, problems that accumulate don’t seem to get resolved quickly.

The rules go like this:

1. If you have a problem with someone or something, you must express it at the moment it is a problem.
2. If you fail to raise a problem at the moment it was a problem – the problem no longer exists.
3. When a problem is raised it must be taken seriously and resolved to the satisfaction of the community, not the individual raising it.

If you want to get along with a team of people with different tolerances of cleanliness, fastidiousness, code style, personal hygiene, taste in music, religious outlook, and culture, then you must agree to be open, receptive, and immediate in your reaction to problems.

The “agree to” part is most important.

Entering a community where this kind of constructive criticism is encouraged may be confronting, and always requires careful preparation and understanding. I can’t see this working as an implicit part of a culture; it has to be an articulated policy. A pact to behave in this way is easier before conflict escalates than afterwards.

It doesn’t always work. You can’t always remember it. You can’t always apply it. It’s nice when it works. Take it as you will.